Attending Support Group Meetings without My Partner Present

Question: I often attend my local post-polio support group’s in-person meetings. My partner usually requests to come along in order to show his support. I really appreciate the fact that he wants to be supportive, but sometimes I’d rather go alone. There are times when I feel I can’t speak freely about certain things because he is there. I want to stress that he’s a great partner, and it’s not like he’s demanding he be allowed to go. Am I wrong to want this space for myself? How do I go about telling him without hurting his feelings?

Response from Rhoda Olkin, PhD: To your first question, no, of course you are not wrong to want this space for yourself. Your feelings are your feelings, and hence, legitimate. I can understand the desire to carve out a space that is separate from your partner, and where you can speak more freely without worrying about the effect of your words on a partner. Your partner is showing a great willingness to have the polio be a part of the partnership, that is, not just something about you, but something that you as a couple own. I applaud this, as it seems to be a key way for a successful relationship to incorporate disability. Nonetheless, as the person who had polio, your internal experiences may have some private parts that you don’t wish to share with your partner. Talking to and hearing from other polio survivors can be enormously helpful. You might approach this with your partner as an issue around space, distance and closeness. Each person in a couple comes to the relationship with differing needs for distance or closeness. Rather than saying that you don’t want your partner to attend, say that you feel you need a bit more space just for you. “I appreciate how you are so supportive of me and how you take the disability as something that we both have to manage. When the meetings have a speaker, or are about something specific, I love that you come with me. And I also want to go by myself some of the time, when it’s a ‘sharing and caring’ time.”

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 39, No. 3, Summer 2023)