Advice for Joining Support Groups via Zoom

Question: I just recently moved and joined the post-polio support group in my area. Because of the pandemic, they aren’t holding any in-person meetings. The group has a private Facebook page and gets together on Zoom each month. I’ve only been on a few calls, but I’m finding it hard to fit in. I’m not overly shy, but I feel a bit like an outsider and am reluctant to speak up. Any advice?

Response from Stephanie T. Machell, PsyD: It might be Zoom. While it may be easy for you to enter a physical room full of strangers and quickly feel comfortable speaking with them, entering a Zoom room full of unfamiliar people is a different experience. Information you would automatically gather and rely on to guide your interactions may be more limited and/or difficult to read.

Interactions will be limited as well. There may be little or no informal chatting before the meeting starts, and any that does will include all present, with no opportunities to speak one-on-one or in smaller groups. It can be challenging to know when it’s your turn to speak or whether others are paying attention when you do. And no matter how hard you try, it’s difficult not to watch yourself, which can increase your self-consciousness.

Or it might be the group. Groups vary in how welcoming they are to newcomers, especially if the members have been together for a long time and are more interested in catching up with each other than getting to know a newbie. Ongoing discussions about the experiences of longtime members may be difficult for a newcomer to join in meaningful ways. Or the group may have done a good job of welcoming new members in person but failed to consider how to do this on Zoom.

When you attend the next meeting, take the pressure off yourself about participating. Instead, observe the group and its interactions. See how much you can discern about each member and about group norms around participation. In the absence of eye contact, can you identify signs that members are listening to each other? What cues do they use to know it’s their turn to speak?

As you observe, think about how you feel about the group as well as how the group makes you feel. Are the issues they’re addressing relevant to you? Is there too much (or not enough?) negativity, either about living with PPS or towards other members? Do certain members dominate or is there an equitable division of time? Are they welcoming to you as a newcomer and respectful of each other?

Consider whether there are one or more members you’d like to get to know better and use Zoom’s messaging function to send them a private message asking if you could speak with them later (make sure you are sending only to them and not to the group!) or reach out via a private message on Facebook or by email. Getting to know a few people will help you feel more like a part of the group. After observing the group, you may decide it’s not right for you. Not all groups are a good fit for everyone. Even if you do decide to stay with the new group, if your former group meets on Zoom, why not continue to attend their meetings and benefit from the extra support and camaraderie?

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 37, No. 3, Summer 2021)