Coping with Vulnerability

Question: I was recently asked why I never attended post-polio meetings unless I speak and why I didn’t ask questions of the internet groups of polio survivors. I immediately knew the answer—those situations make me feel vulnerable, so I avoid them. Is this a healthy way of coping?

Response from Stephanie T. Machell, PsyD: There’s no one healthy way of coping. Some people thrive on information and group interactions. Others don’t. I know many polio survivors who don’t attend support groups. Usually this is because they have experienced groups that became negative, either judging/scapegoating certain members or spending the majority of group time complaining and never discussing solutions. Groups like that, whether in person or online, would make anyone feel vulnerable!

Limiting your exposure to information can be healthy. It’s important to know your limits so you don’t become overwhelmed by the volume and/or repetition of information. Knowing groups and meetings cause you to feel vulnerable means you can control your exposure to them.

Then again, it depends on what you mean by vulnerable. Vulnerability, as in openness to experience and/or others, can be a way of making connections. It requires trust that your experience and limits will be respected. Again, if this hasn’t been your experience in groups it is understandable why you wouldn’t want to be vulnerable in them. If you mean that the information you receive, or the condition of others attending the group, bring up fears about the future that cause you to feel personally vulnerable, avoidance may still be healthy—to a point. I often tell my clients that the “healthiest” stance for a polio survivor is a combination of acceptance and denial, in varying proportions. If your avoidance keeps you from dealing with important or necessary issues, meeting people who could be friends and allies, or from learning about things that could improve your quality of life, it isn’t helpful, and it probably isn’t healthy.

Rather than avoiding groups altogether, it might be useful to consider what you lose by not going, and what you might gain by participating. If choosing to go only when you are presenting helps you to feel in control, and lack of control is part of what makes you feel vulnerable, is there another way to control the situation?

For example, you might ask questions of trusted others in private messages rather than exposing yourself to the entire online forum, or only attend meetings where information you need will be shared. You could sit in the back and leave if things feel too overwhelming, or take breaks and return. If you’re worried what others will think, you can develop a “sound bite” speech to explain that you are pacing yourself/practicing good selfcare/drank too much coffee and needed the bathroom/in denial (if the person asking is a fellow polio survivor, he/she will likely laugh).

It’s also all right to decide groups really aren’t your thing and you’d rather not waste precious energy on dealing with them. Those who use groups and forums aren’t better adjusted or coping better—they’re coping differently. Obtain information in ways that make you comfortable and you will be coping just fine!

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 33, No. 2, Spring 2017)