Handling Friendships and Changing Activity Levels with Grace

Question: It’s easier explaining things to “new” friends as opposed to friends I have had for 30 years. Old friends expect me to be the same as 20 to 30 years ago with the same energy and activity levels I used to have. How can I gracefully handle this?

Response from Rhoda Olkin, PhD: New friends accept who you are now because that is how they met you and have come to know you. But longer-term friends met you as a more active person. Remember that you have changed, and as you changed you naturally have been very aware of those changes from year to year, noticing an increase in fatigue, a reduction in mobility, maybe a fall here or there.

But others have not been privy to the nuances of those changes. They might notice major changes but not more subtle ones. I suspect you haven’t been giving regular updates each year, so it can seem sudden to others that you now say no to things you used to do. So their expectations seem out of synch with the new version of you. This is not out of lack of caring or callousness, but rather genuine ignorance of your new status.

So you know what you have to do without my saying. You have to talk with them about how things are for you now, the changes you have experienced, the symptoms that are new or increased. You have to explain how you manage your energy, how you choose what to do and what to say no to, how your priorities have shifted and may shift again as you age. Those who understand and accept this version of you are your true friends. If some drop by the wayside (and truthfully, some may), then you have to let them go, because they aren’t good for your self-esteem and mental health.

Of course, not everyone needs the full text and exegesis on the New You. If there are folks you have lunch with twice a year, or go to the movies with when a new Star Wars film comes out, or call/email/text funny cat jokes to, then you can keep some things private.

But your close friends deserve the truth from you and the trust you place in them when you open up. It doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation. It could be saying simply, “I wanted to let you know that my physical status has changed as I age with polio. I’m finding I’m more fatigued, that I have to monitor my activity level more. When I say no to doing something together, please know it is not personal, that I love getting together with you. But I have to make hard choices every day about what I do. If you ever feel ignored, let me know, because that is not my intent. And if you have questions, please feel free to ask.”

I know I sound easy-breezy, but I recognize that these conversations may be harder than that. Yet I suspect they also will be easier than you think. Pick your safest friend to start with. Good luck, and write back how it goes!

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 30, No. 3, Summer 2014)