How Do I Keep Myself from Feeling Isolated?

Question: My husband, like myself, was a polio survivor. He passed away last summer. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, but I feel lonely a lot. I have kids and grandkids nearby that still visit regularly. I have couple of good friends who I still get together with for breakfast every few weeks. I’m grateful for the love and support they bring me. But sometimes I feel like they don’t really understand what is was like to have had polio, or what it’s like to deal with the late effects of polio. I didn’t have to explain these things to my husband. He knew what it was like. I live in a fairly small town in Kentucky and don’t know any other polio survivors. I’ve looked for support groups in your Directory, but sadly, there aren’t any near me. My kids tell me to use Facebook, but I don’t use the computer much and didn’t really like Facebook when I tried it. I guess my question is: how do I keep from feeling so isolated? How do I find others that might know what I’m going through?

Response from Rhoda Olkin, PhD: How might we think about friendships? How many do we need? How do we get more? To explore this, do an exercise with me.

(a) Draw a circle in the middle of the page. Put the names of your most intimate people in that circle. It might be a partner, a parent, kids and grandkids.

(b) Now draw a second circle surrounding the first. In this circle write the names of the people you call when you need to talk, or who you would tell when something bad happens. If your partner dies, who do you reach out for?

(c) Next, draw a third circle around the second circle. In this circle put the names of those you might have lunch or go to a movie with. You talk to each other, maybe even a lot, but not about deeply personal or painful topics.

(d) Keep drawing these concentric circles until you have run out of people in your life. The inner circle is generally the smallest. Even those with large extended families are usually closest to only some of them. Which circle could use more people in it? You can’t just go out and make a new best friend on demand. But you can increase the people in that third circle, the ones to go with you to a restaurant or event. I used to think the first two inner circles were the most important. My litmus test was would I rather stay home and watch TV or go see this person? But this is a really bad litmus test for an introvert such as myself; I would always rather stay home! However, as a psychologist I know the research on socializing—it is vital for a longer and more fulfilled life. For me, the people in circle number two tend to be people who have personal disability experience in themselves or family, or who have worked in the disability community. It does really help when friends ‘get it’ without much explanation. But all of my friends are disability-affirmative, i.e., they consider my disability needs in any outings, never make me feel I am holding them back, and are open to talking frankly about disability.

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 35, No. 1, Winter 2019)