Aging, Loneliness, and Preparing for the Future

Question: I am 81 and my wife, a polio survivor is 80. We are both in relatively good health, but it is more and more difficult to keep up with our day-to-day activities. I worry about what will happen to my wife when I die, or to me when she dies. The future looks very lonely. Our children (in their 50s) do what they can to help us and we have modified our home to make it more convenient. But, it still is too much. I would like your advice on how to approach this with my son and two daughters and their spouses, all of whom seem to have ideas about what is best for us.

Response from Rhoda Olkin, PhD: Let me address the issues for you and your wife. My colleague will address how it might look from the perspective of your offspring. Much of what rightly concerns you is common to people as they age and is not unique to polio survivors. Nonetheless, the issues may be somewhat amplified by limitations associated with polio. It is fortunate your overall health is good, and long may that continue to be the case! However, you still have to plan for diminishing capabilities.

You say that everyone seems to have ideas about what is best for you. I understand how that can feel like pressure and sometimes as if people are not helping you figure out what you want. You and your wife have to decide.

Here are several questions to address: (1) Do you want to stay in your home until the end? If so, let everyone know that. (2) Would you have someone come live with either of you if the other were to die? (3) Is there an elder community/agency that will arrange to give you a phone call every day to check on you? (4) Can you afford to hire more help? (5) Have you made end-of-life decisions together, and each is clear what the other wants? (6) If one of you outlives the other, would that person be able to and want to go live with your son or one of your daughters? (7) Do you have a life alert system or would you get one? (8) Are you able to ask for help, or is it hard for you to do so? When people offer, do you give them specific tasks to do?

You seem concerned about loneliness, and you are wise to pay attention to this. Socialization is one key to longevity and happiness. Research consistently underscores the importance of social support and social activity. Unfortunately, as we age we lose friends to aging, incapacity or demise. So now, while you are both in good health, increase your social activities. Make dates to go to movies; join or start a book club; have weekly meals with other people; take a class (art, scrapbooking, computer skills, cooking); take tai chi (excellent for balance – my mother, who had polio when I did, and is now 88, finds that she can do tai chi and feels better when she does); sit outside (being in nature tends to make people feel better); throw a neighborhood pot luck; host a neighborhood watch organizational meeting; go to ‘meetup.com’ to find others who like to do things you like to do. The point is that you have to work at it – friends develop from shared history and time, so start making new friends now.

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 29, No. 3, Summer 2013)