Dealing with Stress

Question: I am in my 80s and have become less and less involved in “changing the world.” I have come to terms with that decision and just want to relax and enjoy life. But at the same time it seems like everything is so difficult anymore. Errors abound at the pharmacy, at the doctor’s office, the plumber seems not to carry the basic supplies in his truck, the young cleaning lady has a different definition of clean than I have, etc. Do you have advice on how I can just relax and enjoy these later years?

Response from Stephanie T. Machell, PsyD: It sounds like those you rely on are what’s preventing you from relaxing and enjoying your life. It must be frustrating to have to deal with so many incompetent people, especially when all you want is for things to run smoothly. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of incompetence in every walk of life. And that’s not likely to change, even if you devote all your time and energy to changing it, because you cannot make the incompetent competent.

There is nothing more frustrating and stressful (or impossible) than trying to change others who have no interest or investment in changing. The best way of reducing your own stress is to stop trying to do this. Instead, fire incompetent service providers and find new ones whose work meets your standards. You have a right to high-quality services and care, and though it may take some initial time and effort, once you have your “dream team” in place life will be much more enjoyable. It might further reduce your stress levels to ask for help from a family member, friend, or even someone from your local senior center or elder service program to deal with certain categories of service providers, and/or to find ones known to work well with older people with disabilities.

If the major stresses you experience come from other people’s behavior and attitudes, it’s worth learning to change the way other people’s behavior affects you. Think about it: Are those who affect you worth the distress they cause? Do they deserve to ruin your day? Of course they don’t. It’s hard, but you can learn to be less reactive to others. Try imagining a scale. At one end are events that are of no importance and/or have no lasting effect on you or your life. At the far end is the very worst thing that ever happened to you. Placing the person/event you find distressing on this scale can help you (re) gain perspective. You can count to ten, or take a deep breath, or find the humor in the situation. You can even vent your frustration to a friend or your journal, as long as doing this allows you to let the frustration go.

Many people find meditation useful in becoming less reactive and more relaxed. And of course, it has other health benefits as well. No matter what your belief system is, there is a way of meditating to go along with it.

Feeling disempowered and helpless is anything but relaxing. Studies show that those who remain engaged with their communities age best. Maybe you can redefine your idea of a peaceful life to include continuing to work for change. Maybe you could volunteer at the senior center to help others find more competent providers, or with your post-polio support group to develop or disseminate educational material to local physicians or pharmacies.

Post-Polio Health (Vol. 33, No. 1, Spring 2016)